Before we get started kids this is meant as advice in a (hopefully) humorous way, do not get your panties, thongs, underwear, or boxers in a jam.

I will impart years of dating and relationship advice as only one with  experience and plenty of mistakes can do.

Yes, mistakes men, that is one of the things you must learn to do in a relationship, admit when you are wrong and move on before she starts checking the knife drawer or takes a sudden interest in watching Investigation I.D. for suggestions on how to “off” you without anything pointing the finger at her so she and the pool boy , Javier can go on that cruise your life insurance will be paying for.

Ladies, men are simple creatures, they want a warm home to come to after work, a warm meal and a warm place to park their “junk” in. Sexist? probably, but true, why is there so much infidelity? That girl from work might offer him blowjobs which you only do as a special “treat” on his birthday or anniversary , she might offer anal sex and kinky boots which you might have forgotten to do or don’t care to do anymore.

Men, ladies like to be romanced, take or send flowers to her  for no apparent reason, tell her she looks and smells great. If she likes chocolate, get her some and do not worry about it going to her hips. She cannot cook? there’s restaurants, take out or take a cooking class together, believe me she will appreciate that and think it is romantic.

Ladies if he likes beer (and who doesn’t) suggest a light beer so the chances of a beer gut are minimized.

Have you ever known a couple that divorced and you saw them months later and one or both of them dropped weight and were looking better than before?  They are back on the “market” that is why, makes you wonder why they did not do that while together, sedentary? taken for granted?

Money, has a big effect on a relationship, lack of it can cause someone to look for a better situation, too much of it can cause lots of problems. The proliferation of websites like SugarDaddy.com says a lot about how money can be a catalyst for those May-December romances. The new moniker for those sites is “age-gap dating”. Both ways mind you, in Palm Beach society which I happened to navigate thru in my younger years there were a lot of dowagers with their “ward” or “nephew” escorting them to events.

Dating attire has gotten weird. I recently saw a couple in a restaurant, obviously on a first date. The woman had on a nice dress and killer heels, nails manicured, hair done up. The gent was wearing jeans, sneakers and his shirt was not tucked in, they looked like they were in their early thirties. I live in Florida so I know casual but men in flip flops and cargo shorts on a date is not unusual to see. And the baseball cap on at a restaurant or movie theater and even at a play…….ughh! Dress up guys, women love a sharp dressed man.

Dating someone with kids is a minefield, the ex can be an asshole or a bitch, the kids can resent you so tread carefully there.

Pets, talk about a minefield! Obviously people care about their pets a lot, some treat them like they are human. When I was single if the lady dressed her cat or dog in outfits and Buffy or Fluffy had to go with us on a trip because they could not trust anyone to take care of them I was out of there faster than you could imagine.

One time I suggested to someone I had been dating for about a month to put her dog in a kennel so we could go on a romantic getaway for the weekend and she looked at me like I was Satan. Needless to say that was the end of that courtship.

I was in a live-in relationship with a lady who had 2 cats, I started to notice she would speak to her cats, no,not “Hi Fluffy how are you?” but she would mimic what her cats were “saying” like the noises they made so it was like a conversation going on.Shortly after that I exited as fast as I could.

Another lady I started to date looked promising but when we did the deed for the first time and went to sleep afterwards her dog got in the middle of us in bed. She said “Oh Buster sleeps in this bed every-night, you’ll get used to it”. No I didn’t and out I went…………next !

In-laws: real simple, they will either hate you or love you, be yourself and if they do not like you stop trying to win them over, the only person you have to win over is your mate. And if you think your man is a Mama’s boy, you are not going to change him, just think of Norman Bates, no one ever changed him. And the Mother will never, ever think you will love him as much as she does.

I have not mentioned same sex relationships because I have no experience in that nor will I. Just respect the other persons space and: No means no.

Published at Humans.media/Vocal

In memory of HST