Dating Hell, the Lobster Lady

I hear stories but here is mine from a long time ago, married now fourteen wonderful years (thanks Kat) but had to pass it on.

One of my employees, a fellow single came in Monday with a story to tell. He had been at a local watering hole and met a lady and her friend.

He hooked up with the friend and told me that he was meeting her again and she was bringing her friend along and I should go and meet her and he had told her about me and seemed interested.

Sold I said ! We made arrangements to meet them at one of our haunts on a Friday night. At the time I had been single for about a decade and was well versed on the do’s and dont’s of “meets”.

Never make dinner plans, drinks first and if there was a mutual attraction you could transition from there. Two, have a friend call you during the meet (you think you ladies are the only ones that do that?)

Since my buddy was with me I did not need the call but I planned just in case since he liked to drink and he already had a sure thing going.

I had asked him what she looked like and all he could remember was that she “had a great ass”. So I said that we would have a code phrase in case she did not pass the eye test. The code phrase was going to be : How about that golf shot on Sunday”.

If I said that it meant that I would have the drink and then create an excuse to leave.

So I met him at the bar/restaurant and sat at the bar waiting for the ladies to show. Two ladies walked in the door which was about forty feet away and he said, there they are, mine’s the on in the red dress.

From that distance I said the phrase. The rest happened so fast that I thought I was in a nightmare. As they walked towards us the Maitre’d walked up to my buddy and said, Sir, the table is ready. I looked at him and said what table? He said he had made reservations for dinner. We were ushered to a nearby table and there was no way out for me.

The ladies walked up to us and “my date” gave me a hug and said she was pleasantly surprised that my friend had not told her how handsome I was. Oy vey !

She was about five feet tall, I could tell she had recently lost some weight because she had squeezed herself into a dress that she hadn’t worn in ten years and was STILL tight on her cause she still weighed about 160lbs. And her ass had gone missing.

She had a voice like a truck driver gargling with rocks. She was almost jumping in her seat. We received the menus,

It was a seafood restaurant. The waiter came over and as I was looking at the menu my “date” garbled “I want lobster” I grabbed her menu and said, sure no problem. See, I had noticed they had a lobster special for $19.99 and the market price lobster.

So I pointed to the $19.99 special to the waiter and said she’ll have that one.

When her lobster came the first thing she said was: “it’s so small, I want a lobster like that man’s ” she pointed to the table next to us and that man was having the Market price lobster.

I told her while pointing at the lobster “your lobster is a first date lobster, his is second date lobster.”

My buddy didn’t know where to hide. To change the subject she said I hear you dance Latin, heard we were going dancing afterwards. I looked at my “pal” with a death stare.

No dear we are not I said, and she laughed it off.

We finished dinner we went out to the parking lot and I said goodnight. She looked at my buddy and said: but you said he would dance with me, he can’t be leaving.

I said, watch me get into that blue car and wave as I go by. And I did.

The next morning when he came to work he asked if I was going to fire him. Thought about it but he meant well. Never took another set up from him again.


About Jorge G

business owner, writer of books Miami Beat & Miami Moon, column writer for The Lake Worth Herald
This entry was posted in dating, single, hell, lobster. Bookmark the permalink.

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