Can you imagine the Republican/Obstructionist party brain trust a year and a half ago going over the candidates for President?
“Well boys ( and I am sure there were few if any women in that smoke-filled room) we have a little bit of everything in the works, we are going to look progressive and inclusive with the smorgasbord of candidates we have in our line up.”
At this time Karl Rove and Rush Limbaugh must have prepared the altar for the sacrifice.
“For the Negroes ( please do not tell me the Rep/Obs use African-American) we have Herman Cain, a business leader former CEO of Godfather Pizza and is a great speaker. Make sure when we vet him that he is not a cunt hound and that there is no history of him chasing after white women, that would be embarrassing and would get all the old white men that vote for us in a dither, a black man with money and a big black cock after our women.”
At this time Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity would be doing a circle jerk to get themselves “pumped up” for the votes.
“For the wetbacks, spics and latinos we have Marco Rubio from Florida, a Cuban Conservative, there’s strange one for you, we must have created him in a lab or something. Shame he is so young he would be a good vice presidential candidate. When you vet him make sure he didnt get in bed with Jeb Bush over that Terry Schiavo mess. It would be embarrassing to look like our party wants to tell women what to do with their bodies.Let’s have him ready for 2016.”
“For the conservative christians we have the perfect guy, Rick (Back to the Stoneage) Santorum. Family man, family values, photogenic, no history of playing footsie with anyone. Make sure when you vet him he does not appear stiff, mentally living in the 1950’s , so conservative that he makes Ozzie Nelson look like Ozzy Osborne.”
“For the women’s vote we have Michelle (Stepford Wife) Bachmann. Not in the Sarah Palin class but we can fluff her up on the outside, don’t think that is possible on the inside. Make sure when we vet her she does not appear to be a brainless boob and that her husband does not run a center for brainwashing homosexuals into believing they are straight. That would hurt the gay vote, what little we have of it.”
“Next we have a world-class dunderhead in Governor Rick Perry of Texas. This guy makes George W. look like a Rhodes Scholar. We have him for the southern/yahoo/gun-nuts/militia vote. When you vet him make sure he doesn’t tire easily and say stupid things, more stupid that usual.This guy, the more he talks, the worse he sounds, if he could do sign language that would be great.”
We have saved the best for last, Newt Gingrich. Experienced, opinionated, scholarly, been there, done that. This guy is a lock. Make sure when you vet him he does not come across as mean-spirited, vindictive or has a Napoleonic complex and make sure his private life is clean, no affairs or serving wife divorce papers while in hospital, that would look mean, selfish and self-centered. And make sure he does not use the word fundamental in every other sentence.”
If there is an airplane crash and all these candidates perish we have the B-team.
“Donald Trump, he is like the popular girl in school who flirts with all the guys but sleeps with whoever will be best for her goals.”
“Ron Paul, he is the Elmer Fudd of the party. He is like the crazy grandfather the family keeps locked up in the back room and only bring him out when the social worker comes out.”
“And finally we have Mitt Romney, this guy is as stiff as a board, keeps his money overseas and in foreign banks, people will never go for that. He is a Mormon and his grandfather had like five wives and his great-grandfather had twelve wives. He has bought U.S. companies and sent that work overseas. The state he governed was forty-seventh in job creation when he left. This guy makes paint drying look exciting. His kids look like they all came from the same test tube. This guy has no chance of winning the nomination.”